Updated: Aug 10
After I posted my original 'One Day Angeleen' reflection, life has totally changed and I'm a completely different person with so much love and success!
lol jk - that's not what happened at all. In a funny way, or maybe a perfect way, I'm not disappointed. When I wrote: "It's time to stop waiting for a perfect "One-Day Angeleen" to just appear. Time for all the inner work I've been doing to have outer expression. Time to protect myself by focusing on the only thing I can always control - myself. Finally, it's time to allow myself to make mistakes". Side note- this is probably the most stereotypically Sagitarrius sentence I've ever written. But the point is, I really didn't have any expectations about what that would look like, or how to measure its success or failure. And I'm glad I didn't.
So much of our life is built in spreadsheets, measured, or critiqued. This new framing came to me with none of those. I tried. Believe me. I had thought I should write regular posts on what new risk I was attempting, I had a list of what areas I wanted to enliven. I had lists and lists that had lists. I was once told by a mentor - "Wow, you can really take something fun and make it into hard work." But this time, I looked at my list and said, "Nah, I'm not worrying about any of that."
So here I am nearing the halfway mark of the year with no PowerPoint presentation to prove I'm doing anything well. You'll get over it, I'm certain.
Living as an adoptee, I always wanted to over-perform. Be the teacher's pet. Be the top employee. Get the most awards. If I didn't excel at it, I didn't do it. How else could I prove I was worth existing if I didn't always succeed? While I had times when I did succeed and times I didn't, neither occurrence made life any better. There was always another shiny object to chase after. There were always debilitating self-critical thoughts running through my head.
And maybe, by not setting some arbitrary goal, by not chasing anything, I am doing what I set out to do in January. Maybe letting myself BE was the whole point. That critical voice is getting quieter and a kinder voice is emerging.
What I have done is listen to the flow of life. I've gone outside, found new communities, started loving on my body (I don't mean like that - get your mind out of the gutter), and let myself be creative again. I joined an Adoptee Voices' writing group and Render Free's Wellness, Community Care, and co-working space. I shared Sages and Pages publicly through socials and with people I've never, and probably will never, meet. I've started a more consistent writing practice and submitted pieces for submissions. I've made time for friends and family, and I've retreated from my workaholic ways (with interesting results). I've hosted dance parties for myself.
Huh, maybe I am still keeping track of success, but what I consider success is different now.
For the latter half of the year, I want to get outside more, I want to host more dance parties for myself. I want to soak up the sun and the rain and the clouds and the cold and the humidity. I want the world to impress upon me and I want to know, assuredly, I will be able to withstand it.
This year will not be the only year for One Day Angeleen, but eventually, even she will grow up and move out and have a new season of life to focus on.
But maybe that's just the Sagittarius in me. We'll see.